The Double-Edged Sword of Expectations: Reclaiming Your Inner Freedom
Inspired by The Curious Voyage to Authenticity: A Rule-Breaking Guide for Personal Growth by Cynthia Schwartzberg
Expectations: Our Unseen Compass
Expectations can be invisible guides quietly shaping how we move through the world. Some help us navigate with intention; others lead us down paths that feel increasingly disconnected from our true selves.
They come from everywhere: parents, teachers, partners, culture, inner critics. And often, we don’t even know they’re there until we feel the weight of them. For many of us, the moment of clarity comes not with a loud crash, but with a quiet discomfort: Why am I doing all of this if it doesn’t feel right anymore? Why am I trying so hard? Who is it for, anyway?
Brené Brown calls this The Unraveling. That space where the old rules don’t fit, but the new ones haven’t yet taken shape. It can feel both terrifying and liberating.
An area in my life where I felt more in performance than in my authentic self has been in relationships. One day, I was dancing with my dance teacher at a social event, and the next day, I woke up with a backache. I was meditating on my back and realized the pain came when I got out of my rhythm and tried to figure out what he wanted. I laughed at myself, wondering how many times I have asked that same question. The Curious Voyage to Authenticity.
When was a time in your own life when an expectation began to feel too tight, or when you noticed you were performing more than living?
When “Should” Becomes a Cage
You might not even notice the moment when a helpful suggestion becomes a rigid “should.” For example, your mother and grandmother might have been teachers, so it was assumed you should be one, too. Or maybe you’ve been conditioned to give beyond your limits to be seen as good or kind. These “shoulds” often reflect invisible benchmarks that don’t align with your values.
The inner dialogue starts to sound like:
You should respect your elders.
You should be further along.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
You should be grateful, not tired.
We try harder but feel emptier. This endless cycle of striving pulls us further from our hearts and passions. As Joe Dispenza writes, “We become addicted to the emotions of our past, and live in a loop of familiar feelings that no longer serve us.”
And here’s the catch: even if we know we’re stuck, we often can’t just “think” our way out of it. We feel obligated, but we don’t always know it’s an issue. We are conditioned to think along these goals and ways of being, and sometimes it feels like a survival process. The roots of these expectations aren’t just in our minds. They live in our body, our nervous system.
What Happens in the Body When We Live by “Shoulds”
Stephen Porges, who developed polyvagal theory, teaches that our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger. When we feel like we’re not measuring up or risk losing approval, our bodies often respond as if we’re under threat.
You may not be running from a bear, but your body might still tighten, your breath may become shallow, and your shoulders may rise without you realizing it. You’re bracing yourself to keep up, stay good, and be enough.
Over time, this takes a toll on you. I often describe this anxiety as a separation from self. In The Curious Voyage to Authenticity, I introduce a process called “Back to Self” (click here for a copy). It offers a felt sense of what it’s like to move away from yourself, and how to return gently.
A client once told me it was deeply grounding. When I shared it on a podcast, the host said it immediately helped her adult daughter navigate a painful friendship. I’d love to hear if it resonates with you as well.
Consider adding a brief moment when you or someone you’ve worked with realized that their tension wasn’t just mental, that it lived in the body.
Brainspotting: A Portal to What’s Been Buried
When words alone don’t reach the source, Brainspotting offers a powerful bridge. By locating a precise eye position linked to emotional activation based on an issue and body sensation, Brainspotting bypasses the thinking brain and connects directly with where experiences are stored, often in the body’s deeper layers. We enter into a brain-body connection to facilitate the body’s healing.
It’s often in the moments of stillness where something surfaces. It’s beyond words. The release is felt, the body releases, and along with it, usually, the old expectations. The nervous system can settle into a state that Porges calls the ventral vagal state, where safety, connection, and curiosity are restored.
The Curious Voyage: Trading Rules for Curiosity
In The Curious Voyage to Authenticity, I offer a different kind of roadmap. It’s an unfolding path of exploration. It’s about learning how to listen.
Curiosity, after all, is what dissolves shame and reawakens possibility. It’s what Brené Brown calls the antidote to judgment. When we ask where our beliefs come from, we begin the process of becoming the captain of our ship of life.
And maybe we stop asking, Am I doing it right?
And begin asking, Is this still true for me?
A Practice: The Expectations Inquiry
Take a breath. Let your shoulders drop.
Then gently ask yourself:
- Is there an expectation I’ve been living by that no longer feels fitting?
- Where might it have come from? A parent, a teacher, a younger version of me?
- What would shift in my body if I softened this expectation?
- What truth is waiting beneath the pressure?
This isn’t a test. It’s an invitation. You can write your responses, speak them aloud, or simply notice what arises.
Letting Expectations Evolve with You
There’s nothing wrong with expectations. They can guide, inspire, and anchor us. But they must remain fluid, growing as we grow, softening as we soften.
When expectations come from the outside in, they demand performance. When they come from the inside out, they express purpose. They support the desire taking form.
At Cynthasis, and in the journey explored in The Curious Voyage to Authenticity, we don’t ask people to become someone new. We ask:
Who might you be if you let go of who you thought you had to be?
Letting go of old expectations has led me to more fruitful relationships. And allowing myself to expect possibilities, rather than double-guessing the bigger picture, has brought unexpected joy.
Keep in touch. I’d love to know—what expectations are you softening? What surprises have shown up when you did?
Ready to Let Go of “Should” and Reclaim Your True Self?
If this reflection on expectations stirred something in you, if you’re longing to live with more freedom, curiosity, and alignment, I invite you to join me for the Curious Voyage to Authenticity Class.
This 8-week live, online journey is a space to gently release outdated beliefs, reconnect with your body and inner wisdom, and discover what’s true for you, beyond the rules you were handed.
Whether you’re a therapist, a seeker, or someone feeling the quiet nudge toward change, this class offers a compassionate space to explore who you are, when you stop performing and start listening within.
Click here to reserve your spot now. Space is limited.
Let’s trade performance for presence. Let’s voyage home to the self.
